Most of us have a parent or grandparent whose stories we have heard a hundred times, and a much longer list we have never heard at all. The holidays are one of the few times a year when everyone is at the same table with nowhere to be. That makes it the easiest time to ask.
The questions below come from the question bank Porchlight uses in assisted living and memory care communities, where residents answer them out loud, one at a time. They work because they are invitations about ordinary, concrete things: a kitchen, a song, a first job. Nobody has to have lived an extraordinary life to answer them.
Three rules that make the questions work
- Say "tell me about", never "do you remember". The first is an invitation. The second is a test someone can fail.
- Ask one, then be quiet. The good part of the answer usually starts after a pause. Do not fill it.
- Follow, do not steer. If a question about a kitchen turns into a story about a brother, go with the brother.
The cards
Tell me about a dish that always tasted like home to you.
The tableWho was the best cook in your family?
The tableDescribe the kitchen you grew up in. What did it smell like?
The tableWhat's a recipe you wish you could still make today?
The tableWas there a treat you only got on special occasions?
The tableWhat traditions did your family keep?
FamilyWhat's a story your family told over and over?
FamilyTell me about your mother. What was she like?
FamilyWas there a grandparent you were especially close to?
FamilyWhat did your family do on a typical Sunday?
Growing upDescribe the street you grew up on, end to end.
Growing upWhat's a smell or a sound that takes you right back to being little?
Growing upWas there a teacher or grown-up who believed in you?
Growing upTell me about a dance, a party, or a night out from your young years.
Young daysTell me about your first real job.
Young daysWhat were your big dreams and hopes when you were starting out?
Young daysHow did you meet your husband or wife? What was your first impression?
LoveTell me about a song that has always meant something to you.
MusicTell me about the first big thing you ever saved up to buy.
Making a livingTell me about the farthest from home you ever traveled.
AdventureWhat's the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
JoyWas there a hard time in your life you're proud of getting through?
ResilienceDescribe a piece of advice you'd want passed down through your family.
WisdomIf you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
WisdomIf someone at the table is living with dementia
Recall gets harder before recognition does. Bring a photo, a recipe card, or an old record and start there. Offer two choices ("Was it the farm or the city?") or a gentle yes or no question. Never correct a detail. If the year is wrong but the feeling is right, the feeling is the story.
Keep the answer, in their voice
Ask first, then open the voice memo app on your phone and set it face down near them, away from the clatter of dishes. Say the date and who is talking at the start. Keep the whole thing, even the rambling parts. A transcript is useful, but years from now it is the voice you will want to hear.
Porchlight does this every day for people who live in assisted living and memory care: one button, a question read aloud, and the answer kept in their own voice for the people who care for them and the family who love them. See how it works.
Porchlight is a conversation and life-story tool, not a medical device or a clinical treatment. These cards are free to print and share.